This is a different kind of blog for me. It's almost difficult to type. I'm kind of laying it all out there. Parts of the past few months, I'm not pleased with. Parts were rough. I lost the JOY in my fitness journey. I became jealous of others successes. I failed to recognize my own success. I learned a lot these past couple months. I may have went through a burnout period. I needed to step back. I needed some guidance. I needed a win.
It starts with a bad decision about a year ago. I figured that 3 weeks after an Ironman, I'd be in great shape to run "just a marathon". This is not respecting the 26.2 distance. This thinking fails to realize that the recovery from Ironman, for me at least, takes a couple of weeks to recover. I registered for the Columbus Marathon, it ended up being a big mistake.
Then Ironman Ohio 70.3 came along. A hot day and headwinds on the bike led to my epic bonk on the run course. Heat plus headwinds means slow down for me. Instead I tried crushing the bike and hanging on for the run. Bad idea. I failed to do well in Ohio 70.3 after watching others excel in Muncie. I was training my heart out, but on race day I couldn't perform.
My main race was Ironman Maryland. I really wanted to run a sub 5 hour marathon as part of IM Maryland. I believed I could do it. I trained harder than ever before. Jellyfish stings led to a freak out in the water, and then stomach issues led to a ton of walking on the run. I was hoping to set a PR for the 140.6 distance. Instead I came in at 13:48. After some time has passed, I now see that fighting off jellyfish stings, finishing a boring flat bike, and conquering a 3 loop run that went through an unfinished neighborhood, I should of been super proud of myself. Instead, I was jealous of my best friend and training partner Chris, who simply crushed it. I looked at it as a failure. I thought I have been doing this longer, so I should be faster. I should at least be close. Instead I was driving the struggle bus and beating myself up over it. Ironman can tear you up, emotionally and physically. There were dark times when I questioned my abilities and whether or not I belonged in triathlon. Looking back, this is tragic. This is allowing a competitive spirit to overtake the joy of a major accomplishment. Truth is, I'm not competing for money, I don't race to "win". I shouldn't compare my times to anyone else's. I knew all this, but I let my competitive spirit cloud my mind.
I figured I'd take 2 weeks of light running and easy days and then do a few easy days before Columbus marathon. The 2nd weekend was watching Chris tackle Ironman Louisville 2 weeks after crushing Maryland. Yep, here I go again comparing myself to others. Stupid competitive spirit! Did I mention I had other teammates who simply crushed IM Louisville and put up times that I was just super impressed with? I have teammates who raced in heat in Chattanooga. Basically, I'm surrounded by super athlete friends! If you talked to them, they would say they are ok. Proud of what they do, but I can't say any of them BRAG on themselves.
The old competitive spirit reached way back to 2016 when I ran the Flying Pig marathon as part of a challenge. I ran a 4:07 on tired legs. I also had mainly ran for years. I was properly marathon trained in 2016. My competitive spirit, which was now aching for a PR, needing a "win", said we were going for a sub 4 hour marathon. My plan was to stick to the 4 hour pacer for 26 miles and finish just under 4 hours. That plan worked...for 7 miles...then I crashed and burned. I didn't use my intervals. I wasn't properly trained. I was still recovering from IM Maryland. I walked more in Columbus than I ever had before. I felt like crap. My legs hated me. 4:55 total time. My competitive mind screamed I had failed again. No PR, not even close, not even respectable for me. Yet my coach said she was impressed. Impressed? I was mortified. Ashlynn said just to complete a marathon this close to an Ironman was impressive.
I believe I started to fall into a depressed state of mind. Everything looked like a failure. Slow times, stomach problems, walking when I should be running, I started to wonder if I belonged in long endurance races. It's one thing to wonder this during an event when the brain is foggy and tired, it's a different kind of bad when I found myself asking this question after a rest day. I have always said that I will quit doing these long races when I stop having fun. It appeared to me, the fun has been lost.
Brittney and I had a weekend getaway trip with Chris and Paige to run the Kiawah Island Marathon in South Carolina planned and paid for. I had about 6 weeks in between Columbus and Kiawah Island. I reached out to some friends and explained my mental anguish I was going through. After these conversations, it was decided that there would be only 1 goal for Kiawah Island Marathon. That goal was to bring back the JOY in the long race. No time goal, no heart rate measures, no competition. Just enjoy the day. I used my 6 weeks to focus on long runs and different types of runs throughout the week. I swam once a week and did high intensity short bike races on Zwift. I also deleted my Facebook app on my phone. I needed time away from any type of competition or distraction from preparing for Kiawah Island. I'd still check Facebook, sparingly. I found myself less stressed over silly things on social media. I focused a lot better on my own goal.
The weekend of Kiawah Island Marathon arrived and I felt prepared. I knew my only goal was to bring back the joy in long distance. My plan was to start "silly slow". I wanted to keep my heart rate down and effort even lower. I wanted to start in the back of the crowd and try to negative split the race. I had never negative split a marathon. That was a secondary goal to my goal of bringing back the joy. I knew in Columbus I started out way too hard and I died way too early. That led to a LONG day. Being passed by hundreds of runners can be mind crippling. I didn't want that to happen again. Race morning hit and we walked to the starting line. Nervous energy was all around. We learned that at Kiawah Island, 70% of the runners run the half marathon while only 30% run the marathon. This could be a bad thing for me as I enjoy having plenty of other runners around me to keep me motivated in the final miles. I kept a positive mindset.
Paige then said a phrase that really stood out to me. "It's easy to forget we have become uncommon because we surround ourselves with uncommon people. It's easy to feel common among the uncommon."My brain lit up as it processed that. To say we are uncommon isn't a brag or a "look at me!" statement. The general population doesn't train for long distance races. The general population has a large number that does zero exercise. The number of people who race long distance races are uncommon among the general population. Go to a party, maybe a work Christmas party. That usually has a good mix of people attending. How many endurance athletes will you find? How many people say, "You're crazy!" to the athletes in the room. The numbers don't lie. But when I surround myself with like minded athletes; I'm married to a marathon runner, best friend is an Ironman whose wife is an endurance athlete, most friends are runners/triathletes, I got lost in the fact that we are uncommon. The endurance community may be small, but when that is who you surround yourself with, it becomes all you know. This was like a key unlocking a part of my brain that finally allowed me to be proud again. Proud of where I came from and proud of all my successes. Just to complete an Ironman is impressive, trust me, I've completed 5. All 5 offered different challenges. The overall time shouldn't matter. Or if it does matter, it shouldn't determine pride and happiness. My experience shouldn't be compared to other's experiences.
I am happy to report that I followed my plan of starting slow and keeping my heart rate low. I did not allow the flow of the crowd to push my pace. I caught up to Brittney around mile 4. I got to run with my beautiful wife! Our intervals might be different, but the time we got to run together was awesome! I am so proud of her. Brittney had her own Columbus marathon demons to exercise and she did fantastic in Kiawah. Next up was Paige. I caught her around 5.5 miles and we talked about the beautiful scenery Kiawah offered. There was a portion of the race that went to Cougar Island. I was terribly concerned about Chris. A strapping young lad going to a place called Cougar Island! I wasn't sure they'd let him leave! I saw Chris after a turnaround point and calculated he was about a half mile in front of me. Maybe more, maybe less, but I didn't allow this fact to change my strategy. I wanted all of us to do well today. I stayed on my nutrition plan, I kept a consistent pace. I kept moving forward. I stayed on my intervals. I enjoyed every minute of this race. I thanked all the police officers blocking roads. I thanked the neighbors for sharing their neighborhood with us. I thanked the volunteers. The JOY was flowing through my veins. I had a big smile on my face. Mile 20 hit, I was still running. Mile 22, I was still running, not as fast but still running. Mile 24, still running. Mile 25 we got to see the ocean and have a DJ call out our names. I ran all the way through the finish line. Success was mine. I came up 7 minutes short of negative splitting the marathon. It was close, but I was happy to find the JOY again. Chris found me right after I crossed the finish line. Paige and Brittney finished shortly after us. Kiawah was a great redeemer race. It turned out to be exactly what I needed. I then celebrated with fudge! Charleston has The Fudgery shop. I didn't stress over weight or sugar consumption, I enjoyed the day. I stressed out over physical fitness way too much in 2019.
I must note 2 other races that occurred. First was the Turkey Trot. I had been feeling more confident about my running. I get to run fast with recruits throughout the week and I enjoy the speed aspect of running. Ironman training doesn't usually include speed training. My goal for the Turkey Trot was to go run fast. Yes I was racing it. I wouldn't allow myself to look at my splits on my watch though. I wasn't going to stress over trying for a PR. I'm 8-10 pounds heavier than what I believe my optimal racing weight is and I just didn't want any stress over racing.I also had plans to run the Trot loop a second time. I wanted to get that running on tired legs feeling the 2nd loop. I started a little farther back in the crowd than I should have. This forced me to start a touch slower than what I wanted. Since I wasn't stressing over a PR, it didn't bother me. I just let the race come to me. I passed a lot of people going up that first hill. That made me smile. Then I just let the legs fly. No pace watching, no heart rate stress, just ran. Fast. Loved every minute of feeling that searing pain of the muscles pumping at full steam. Feeling the heart pounding. I kept finding people in front of me to target and then catch. It was a blast. I talked myself through the last mile where my legs wanted to slow down, but I refused to let them. I crossed the finish line and stopped my watch. 3 second PR. I just laughed. By not stressing, by staying calm at the beginning, letting the race come to me instead of attacking and then pressing at the end, led to a PR. This was the first race where eliminating the stress of "success" equaled better success. The Turkey Trot was before Kiawah and helped show me to eliminate the stress would be helpful.
2nd race to note, Winter Solstice trail run. The race was billed a half marathon, but the fun thing with trail races are the mileage is usually something different than typical mileage. Winter Solstice was also 1 week post Kiawah Island Marathon. I had zero goals other than to enjoy the race. I hadn't ran trails in almost 2 years. I was one week post marathon. My plan was simple. Start slow, don't be in anyone's way, finish the run. I had stressed over the fact I didn't have specific trail shoes. I told myself my regular shoes would get me through. If places got slick or super muddy, I'd just walk. No big deal as I had no real goals other than finish. I started out slow. A lot of runners got out ahead of me. My legs felt fine. I had recovered pretty well. I stayed steady but not fast. Then a switch in my brain went off. I said lets go. I picked it up a little. I started passing a few people. The trail lit up my smile. I was like a kid playing out in the woods. There was a group of runners who I came upon, I passed and then a voice told me to drop them. And I did. I put down a speed surge through the woods I hadn't felt in quite a while. I was having a blast. The farther the race went, the more people I caught and passed. About mile 10.5, the effort started catching up to me. I started slowing down, but as other runners were ahead and behind me, I kept trying to will my legs to keep running. Just after mile 12, a volunteer said we were there, we just had to cross the field. This was music to my ears as I was ready to be finished. I crossed the finish line with a smile on my face and yet another long run completed well with no stress.
Like all good races, this blog has come to the finish line. I was inspired by a pro triathlete who was willing to admit even he had stomach/G.I. issues in a race. I work a job where burnout is common. I have compared my running/fitness journey to my job. I believe I hit a burnout period in long distance racing. I believe these burnout periods can teach us a lot. They make you step back and reassess. They make you understand where you're at and help you decide where to go. Burnout periods help you see your mistakes. If you happen to hit one, it's okay! I know I'm not the first and won't be the last person to go through them. You are not alone, as I am not alone in such an amazing community. I am thankful for everyone who has helped me get to where I am, helped me get through the burnout period, and inspires me to keep going to see where this journey takes us.
The latest Runner's World magazine has an article about a runner who was a "PR Chaser" in her words. The article sounded very familiar to me. She has decided to now chase "PVs". Personal Victories. PVs can include time goals, but don't have to. It can be a personal victory just to finish a race. A personal victory can be whatever you decide it is. I'll always know how fast I have completed certain distances. If I get faster, I will celebrate. I will also know my PVs. Because what we do is hard, it takes time, discipline and sacrifice. If you are lucky, the body and Mother Nature decides to go along with the plan. If the things you can't control work against you, and you still complete that distance, that's a personal victory. It may be ugly, but get your shit done and be proud of yourself.
Don't forget: we are uncommon. We do epic shit! Be proud and continue to CRUSH!
